Drinks:
Magic hat #9
Toreador (http://www.barnonedrinks.com/drinks/t/toreador-5189.html)
Bourbon and Coke

First words out of my mouth after first sentence: "Fucker, what?"

Whatever she is, it doesn't look legal (re: being 20).

When the fuck does this take place? The 1930s? Tape reel implies 1950s.

This movie is totally like that time I made a bull shot with ramen noodles: brilliant when drunk, terrible when sobering.

You know that insufferable person who uses the phrase 'genre mashup' to signify they are "down" with film nerdery? I don't know there was a point here but I lost it being drunk.

I feel like that humping scene encapsulates this movie.

Needle Dick bukkake.

And it's...rape time, I guess. How...delightful.
r
How are they wearing such short skits with tights in an asylum/brothel?

So..the mustache indicates fantasy world? *That*'s the signal?

And, so...Babydoll's music of choice is terrible elecronica rock?

...those hanging signs mean nothing. Like, they're not even gramatically correct.

...dialog for stupid people, this is.

So, what Snyder *really* wanted to make was a terrible copy of an Altus game.

Samurai ninja zombies?

Did a 16-year-old boy write this?

Heels, no. One cannot run in stripper heels. This is a fact.

Also, Dai-katanas were for calvary, dammit. Okay wait, so that's a pike, but, still. Point.

God, this CGI is awfulobviousboring.

Did *no one* train these actors on who to do a choreographed fight scene?

Now, y'see, I'd care if there were emotional heft in the moment. The only way I'm going to care now is if she dies inexplicably. AND NO PISTOLS DON'T WORK LIKE THAT>

PANTS OH MY GOD CAN NO WOMAN IN THIS MOVIE WEAR PANTS AT ALL?

She's also a schoolgirl super saiyan?

Sp, Girl, Interrupted + Whores + What An American Thinks a Gonzo Pinku Movie is = Sucker Punch?

And...rape victim story savior time!

Wait, WHY DO WE TRUST HER? WHY IS THIS A PLAN? IT'S A LIST AND NO A KNIFE WILL NOT SAVE YOU.

And now she's...where?

OH VANESSA HUDGENS YOU CANNOT ACT PLEASE STOP NOW. THIS IS NOT A FAST FOOD MENU READ WITH ACTUAL EMOTION.

...yes, because this totally makes any sense dear god put on pants.

WHAT NO THAT WASN"T FUNNY AND MADE NO SENSE. That is not a funny zombie joke. You fail at zombie jokes.

You are facing entrenched hordes why do you not have a machine gun whut.

God, this exploitative ultraviolence is so...boring and not ultraviolent.

Is her mowing down German steampunk zombies supposed to be some kind of terrible dick metaphor?

Pants! With terribly stupid and impractical fringe!

THEY HAVE MACHINE GUNS WHY DOES SHE HAVE A FLINTLOCK? WHY?

THIS is what Snyder thinks is empowerment? REally?

Implied lesbian sister incest. How...heteronormative.

Her gun has cell-phone dongles. Because she is a girl.

This shaky cam + drunk me = nauseau. Clearly, Snyder did not adequately plan for drunk people viewing his movie.

Exposition. Sexy.

SENSIBLE SHOES WHAT I WOULD GIVE FOR ONE WOMAN IN SENSIBLE SHOES.

UGH OH GOD NO.

So, they ruin a perfectly good bad rock song with bad rap.

...awk-ward leotard.

And, yet another cover of a classic rock song they couldn't get the original rights to! Gee, wonder why.

"Remember, don't ever right a checek with your mouth your ass can't catch." I stopped this delightful movcie so I could record this brilliance. Record it for all fucking time.

This is way too boring to be a scene of scanitly clad women beheading orcs to a cover of "Search and Destroy."

Beheading to overlong guitar riffs!

And I think I've officially gotten too sober for this movie.

...honestly, Snyder? Really? I think that effect got old in 1999.

Y'know, has no one bothered to ask why Babydoll has teh fantasy of a 14-year-old boy who watched that terible Sean Connery dragon movie too many times?

Vanessa Hudgens, yelling implies fear, not short-term inconenience. Use it.

Pretty sure Zack Snyder's fetish? Shoes. The long-heeled version of little girl Sunday shoes.

This dude is about as menacing as a drunken frat boy with better-kept facial hair.

Doesn't this high-roller have a name? Is he just The High Roller? The Consent-Questionable Plot Device?

Every scene their crotches appear just reminds me of my burning desire to put them all in pants.

Tell me in my terrible fake Russian accent.

Old wise dude keeps yelling, but his timing is so terrible it's not meaningful, just flat.

Must this movie ruin every variant of mainstream radio rock?

Inexplicable slo-mo gun vision! Boring circle shots! No explanation why a fragmentary weapon works on solid metal robots.

...Totally lesbian incest.

Of course the cute one dies.

Emily Browning, much like her 90s counterpart Rachel Leigh-Cook, has one expression: wide-eyed vulnerable.

I like how even during the escape scene, you can clearly see her bra through her dance costume, just to keep it extra classy.

..sacrificial lamb virgin. How...empowering.

Emily Browning, you were clearly chosen solely because you always sound 12.

Jon Hamm, what are you doing in this movie? You are better than this movie. You are like Al Pacino in Gigli: you cannot class up this movie. It isn't possible. Stop now. You are like a cat in a clother hamper: you're just getting your Hamm-ness all over my dirty clothes and annoying me by being simultaneous adorable and shedding.

This is the most romantic-sounding near-rape lobotomy ever.

...what the fuck is this narration supposed to *mean*?
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