A Vagina You Can't Take Home to Mother (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
arionhunter) wrote2009-06-26 08:48 pm
arionhunter) wrote2009-06-26 08:48 pm
Entry tags:
"The niceness like iceness."
Okay, so I'm reading a romance novel. A bad, free romance novel. A bad, free romance novel entitled Lesbian Love How To Forget Your Life.
I think you can see where this is going.
8:30 p.m. "I was born a woman. At least the last time I looked. I had the labia, the cavernous hole, the mammalian breasts and I smoked--a distinctly female addiction." Such an auspicious opening!
8:35 p.m. "Jewish people know that you never pay to work. Even gentiles know that. Everyone knows that. Only suicide terrorists are oblivious to that fact. Work never enters their minds." I don't even know.
8:40 p.m. "we had a pleasant dinner of meat loaf and water." Yes, all my romantic dinners start with meat loaf. And water.
8:47 p.m. Main Character has stopped her fantasy of possibly having sex with Mary J. Blige to comment on Kierkegaard's Repetitions. Mmm, those sexy old dead German white dudes!
8:48 p.m. "The niceness like iceness." YES.
8:50 p.m. All of a sudden she can't bear to live and is addicted to pot. Whut.
8:59 p.m. "I instinctively knew where to go. The sheets drew me, as the voices drew me to the store." She's never been in this Wal-Mart, but the sheets call to her!
9:00 p.m. "I almost humped the pole separating the linen from the automotive department. I wanted to strip right then and there and masturbate." Aaannnnnd we are now officially off the rails!
9:03 p.m. Having heard voices, protagonist is not in a non-descript mental hospital.
9:06 p.m. "He roughly injected a needle in me. The pain of it created a rush to my brain, just like heroin, and then the blood rushed to my vagina." I...what...I don't even know what's going *on.*
9:11 p.m. And now she's have sex with an inmate. Well. "My atrophied muscles felt young again. Lust grew exponentially in my vagina."
9:13 p.m. "I was beginning to lose myself in her, and she was like the hollandaise sauce on top of eggs benedict." OKAY THEN.
9:14 p.m. "I paused briefly to catch my breath, and to feel the inside of her. It was so sweet, and comforting, and warm. I could feel way up to the womb." ... ... D:
9:16 p.m. And now the orderlies have caught her and sedate her. Several disjointed paragraphs later she "let sleep come over me like Virginia Woolf let the waves roll over her." Right.
9:18 p.m. And now the Japanese American doctor shows up. It's time for everyone's favorite, yellow face! Ah, racism! ""Baka akted," he replied sternly in a thick accent that I understood with my dog's ear."
9:22 p.m. "I put in the porn flick Vagitarians and fast forwarded to the part where the blond and brunette were humping each other's vagina." On that note, I'm going to go make food.
11:21 p.m. What the fuck. First she's fired, then she chokes someone, then she encourages a guy and the unemployment office to shoot people.
11:25 p.m. "Doubt reared its ugly head like a sealed pistachio nut." I must have this metaphor explained to me.
11:29 p.m "I fumbled for my key, like a blind person choosing his or her outfit for the day." Again, what the hell?
11:30 p.m. "Ronald fell onto the scene, and I became a sexual person. Then, even the Xerox machines made me horny." Why were they so inexplicably sexy, someone explain this to me!
11:31 p.m. "I could never understand how women swallowed [semen]. It disgusted me. Like moth diarrhea." ...really!
11:45 p.m. Now she's running marijuana into Amsterdam and this just keeps getting more randomly confusing.
11:48 p.m. "We were making love and I felt her velvet thing just like I did twenty-five years ago. I called it velveeta because it was so soft and she tasted like cheese." Cackle line of the night, hands down.
11:54 p.m. "I cradled her head as she sucked like a fish on bait. She then put her arms around my shoulders and I fell backwards at which point she climbed on top of me. Her tongue twisted in mine like the swirls of a candlelabra." When someone uses the babies on breasts simile, it at least makes sense. The fish is. Well. Special.
11:56 p.m. "She then got on top of me and humped my hump while kissing me." Mmm, that's descriptive.
12:03 p.m. Now she's hooked up with The One and there's some racism involving African men having to be possessive and violent, and internal inconsistency and fuck it, then they smoke some pot.
I think you can see where this is going.
8:30 p.m. "I was born a woman. At least the last time I looked. I had the labia, the cavernous hole, the mammalian breasts and I smoked--a distinctly female addiction." Such an auspicious opening!
8:35 p.m. "Jewish people know that you never pay to work. Even gentiles know that. Everyone knows that. Only suicide terrorists are oblivious to that fact. Work never enters their minds." I don't even know.
8:40 p.m. "we had a pleasant dinner of meat loaf and water." Yes, all my romantic dinners start with meat loaf. And water.
8:47 p.m. Main Character has stopped her fantasy of possibly having sex with Mary J. Blige to comment on Kierkegaard's Repetitions. Mmm, those sexy old dead German white dudes!
8:48 p.m. "The niceness like iceness." YES.
8:50 p.m. All of a sudden she can't bear to live and is addicted to pot. Whut.
8:59 p.m. "I instinctively knew where to go. The sheets drew me, as the voices drew me to the store." She's never been in this Wal-Mart, but the sheets call to her!
9:00 p.m. "I almost humped the pole separating the linen from the automotive department. I wanted to strip right then and there and masturbate." Aaannnnnd we are now officially off the rails!
9:03 p.m. Having heard voices, protagonist is not in a non-descript mental hospital.
9:06 p.m. "He roughly injected a needle in me. The pain of it created a rush to my brain, just like heroin, and then the blood rushed to my vagina." I...what...I don't even know what's going *on.*
9:11 p.m. And now she's have sex with an inmate. Well. "My atrophied muscles felt young again. Lust grew exponentially in my vagina."
9:13 p.m. "I was beginning to lose myself in her, and she was like the hollandaise sauce on top of eggs benedict." OKAY THEN.
9:14 p.m. "I paused briefly to catch my breath, and to feel the inside of her. It was so sweet, and comforting, and warm. I could feel way up to the womb." ... ... D:
9:16 p.m. And now the orderlies have caught her and sedate her. Several disjointed paragraphs later she "let sleep come over me like Virginia Woolf let the waves roll over her." Right.
9:18 p.m. And now the Japanese American doctor shows up. It's time for everyone's favorite, yellow face! Ah, racism! ""Baka akted," he replied sternly in a thick accent that I understood with my dog's ear."
9:22 p.m. "I put in the porn flick Vagitarians and fast forwarded to the part where the blond and brunette were humping each other's vagina." On that note, I'm going to go make food.
11:21 p.m. What the fuck. First she's fired, then she chokes someone, then she encourages a guy and the unemployment office to shoot people.
11:25 p.m. "Doubt reared its ugly head like a sealed pistachio nut." I must have this metaphor explained to me.
11:29 p.m "I fumbled for my key, like a blind person choosing his or her outfit for the day." Again, what the hell?
11:30 p.m. "Ronald fell onto the scene, and I became a sexual person. Then, even the Xerox machines made me horny." Why were they so inexplicably sexy, someone explain this to me!
11:31 p.m. "I could never understand how women swallowed [semen]. It disgusted me. Like moth diarrhea." ...really!
11:45 p.m. Now she's running marijuana into Amsterdam and this just keeps getting more randomly confusing.
11:48 p.m. "We were making love and I felt her velvet thing just like I did twenty-five years ago. I called it velveeta because it was so soft and she tasted like cheese." Cackle line of the night, hands down.
11:54 p.m. "I cradled her head as she sucked like a fish on bait. She then put her arms around my shoulders and I fell backwards at which point she climbed on top of me. Her tongue twisted in mine like the swirls of a candlelabra." When someone uses the babies on breasts simile, it at least makes sense. The fish is. Well. Special.
11:56 p.m. "She then got on top of me and humped my hump while kissing me." Mmm, that's descriptive.
12:03 p.m. Now she's hooked up with The One and there's some racism involving African men having to be possessive and violent, and internal inconsistency and fuck it, then they smoke some pot.