One day, I will have the "Penis Power-Up" icon this post calls for.

[arionhunter]

Over the phone yesterday I told katarik that I rarely had enough time nowadays to read bad porn, which is very sad. However, I make time for what I can -- and when Ravenous Romance puts out a new free short story, the reaction may be Pavlovian.

(Speaking briefly of real life: STOP APOLOGIZING WHEN YOU HEAR ME SPEAK. YOU HAVE NOT GOTTEN MY GENDER WRONG. I DO NOT APPRECIATE THE TITTERS. I WILL CHOKE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU FUCKERS.)

"The Cactus League Society" (an m/m romance) is no match for "Handsome and Petal," certainly, but it does draw the obvious parallel. Which, really, is all I can ask for.

Plot-wise, not much going on here: Set in the nondescript "Old West" (no doubt on the same planet as nondescript "Ye Olde Albion" of fantasy fame) Drew wakes up with another man, remembers having sex the night before, and promptly starts giving unconscious man a blowjob. Man, named Aquinas Jackson ("A strange first name paired with a name found on so many, it just made him that much more distinctive, memorable" OW.) orgasms and promptly decks Drew.

Aquinas then sends Drew out to find the "Cactus League," (or "Cactus League Society," depending on the paragraph) who will be more than happy to make him a master of gay sexxors. The drill, I think you know it.

Technically, the writing is all over the place, from decent to terribly stilted. As indicated by the title, redundancy is a big problem. Names are also...not the author's strong point, the low point being investment firm "Fail-Safe Securities."

Cacti pop up throughout this story, so many unsaid penis metaphors. The town of Cactus is surrounded by cacti. The Gay Cowboy Clubhouse is on Cactus Lane. Especially hilarious:

"Drew followed the sound of the voice and came before a hulking man sitting on what looked like a throne. Beside him was a large cactus, its spiny needles threatening."

Penis Dentata? Sadly, yes. In the author's own clumsy prose:

"Parker wore no undergarment, so his cock bounced out of its prison, growing to an enormous size. Drew’s eyes widened in shock; he’d never known a cock to be of such proportion. Sugar would be impressed.

“My God…”

“Now you know where the Cactus League gets its name. I have a prick as large as one, and it hurts like hell when it impales you. But impale you, I will. Before the night is over, you will have met with the most profound penetration imaginable. You will never have bigger — or mind you, better. Without question, I am the largest cock in the county.”

Being m/m porn, the body-hair fixation borders on stereotypically fetishistic, which means there are a boatload of awkward descriptions just waiting in the wings: "thicket of scratchy fur," "a belly equally furred," "the forested hole." Top of the Tops:

"A fine chest of hair you have yourself, young Drew.” But Parker tossed off his own vest to reveal the full expanse of his own fur-lined chest, and Drew had to admit it made him look like a puppy standing before a gorilla. The man was pure beast, and Drew couldn’t wait any longer to touch the man’s great chest mane."

In closing, Drew becomes a full member of the "Cactus League," meets his lover, and they fuck on their future homestead. Which would be enough, really, but the author couldn't just end it there:

As he shot his load and his sperm hit not just the thick hair of Drew’s chest but the hard-packed earth, they both realized they had just planted the seeds of the future.

“God, you were wonderful,” Aidan said.

“It’s all wonderful. In fact, I think that’s what we should call our land. Wonder.”

“I like that, Drew.”

“Me, too. Aidan, welcome to Wonderland.”

Awkward, touching, or hilarious -- they're all such tempting choices I can't decide. Gagging may be the best way to simultaneous express all three.

BONUS: Oh, yes, Ravenous Romance, I think I am indeed seeing what you did there with the strategically placed V.

Comments

[dingsi]

... IT HURTS

[eisen]

I think I'll be scarred for life from the mental image of a puppy getting banged by a gorilla, thanks.

[arionhunter]

Now, if this were real life, there would be some "Unf Unf Unf" noises.

[gloss]

Holy fuck, thank you for taking the bullet on this.

Aquinas Jackson...orgasms and promptly decks Drew.... Aquinas then sends Drew out to find the "Cactus League"
Wait, the blowjob was *that* bad?

But impale you, I will.
Yoda?

chest mane
\o/

[arionhunter]

Wait, the blowjob was *that* bad?

Oh no! As a manly man, Aquinas cannot be seen having anything near gay sexxors in the light of day. Man lovin' is only a nighttime activity.

[red_eft]

what- what is that V actually there for?

[arionhunter]

It's their logo and appears on the front of every novel. With some "strategic" placement.

[red_eft]

It's like a single entendre.